ok, so obv this set list is from the Vancouver show from Tuesday and not last night’s in Edmonton. The show in Vancouver was a lot more mellow, and I thought had a lot more presence. Last night’s was a bit of a set change and more of a rock feel. of course, since it was all GA this compelled the Floor Douches to come out.

what, pray tell, is a Floor Douche you ask?

A Floor Douche may consist of several elements, with an underlying similarity that they are all as near the front of a crowd at a concert as possible. A Floor Douche has the clever ability to appear as a normal participant in the crowd until the main act appears on stage, at which point they quickly do away with their concealment efforts and make themselves widely known.

There are key warning signs that you can use to detect any Floor Douches in your vicinity. Should a person begin to discuss crowd surfing or moshing at a concert that down not require any, they are likely a FD. Should an individual attempt to make it further forwards with the excuse that “im trying to get to my friends” he or she is most likely a FD. If an individual vomits after the opening act, but before the main act, and in close proximity to the stage, they are definitely a FD. however, in this case they are likely too ill to remain in the crowd. The weakest link of Floor Douches has been removed. Finally, the tallest people at the show who stand at the very front and refuse to let shorter, often females in front to actually have a visual taste for the show are, indeed, Floor Douches.

Once the main act has taken the stage, FDs begin to appear in earnest. Easily recognizable by their attempts to gain as much distance towards the front as possible without regard for other audience members,  FDs are generally disliked and suffer much elbowing and well deserved cursing in their direction.

Defending against FDs is a tactical skill often required in a floor audience. At critical points during a concert, the crowd will often compress towards the front, reducing the ability to move freely. This is the sign for a FD to take immediate douchey action. A zig-zag pattern is employed while they attempt to force their way to the very front. Often fueled by alcohol or idiocy or in some cases, being a 14 year old fangirl with a painting of the lead singer to throw on stage (no seriously, this happened at a HIM concert), FDs will not stop until forced by members of the audience, or they have reached their goal. A key defense tactic is to keep your elbows up and maneuverable enough to either block them or jam into their sides. Maintaining a solid stance to reduce the effectiveness of their pushing is also imperative. Loner FDs are often easier to defend against, but will at some point likely achieve their goal of standing near the front. This, however, immediately gives you the right to put your elbows in their spine for the remainder of the show and claim you were pushed.

A much harder FD to defend against is the Taller Than 6’5″ With a Short Girlfriend variant. This type of Floor Douche has absolutely no regard for other members of the audience, will openly compete with loner Floor Douches, and has the sole goal of getting their girlfriend as close as possible. Upon achieving the desired distance front the front of the audience, this type of FD will remain still, blocking any natural crowd movement, often to the detriment of other, shorter fans.

A third variety of floor douches are much harder to point out, as they may not exhibit the actions of the first two. This type of FD has already stationed themselves as close to the stage as they would like. Their FD actions lie in their annoying event security. This type of Douche often smokes in the crowd, engages in open attempts to start fights, and openly mocks security. However, this type of FD is often exhibits the most stupid intelligence traits and will more than likely be forcibly removed from the audience in the clutches of up to four security staff. This contributes not only to audience enjoyment, but provides an opportunity for the act to take a parting shot at the Floor Douche as he is dragged away. In some cases, this may involve the singer to openly decry “Dude, you got thrown out during a polka! At least wait until we start the death metal shit.”

Floor douches will also exhibit verbal traits during a concert. These verbal doucheness traits are often heard after they have taken any and all physical actions already. In many instances, this involves the Floor Douche being unaware of previous recordings of the artist, causing them to stand very still during a song in which the rest of the audience is jumping and singing. The Floor Douche will then proclaim it to have been the worst song they have ever heard. This is an open invitation to audience members to again deploy open arm tactics to dissuade the FD from further action or speaking.

Discomfort is the natural enemy of a Floor Douche. This applies both physically and mentally. If enough physical resistance is applied, a Floor Douche may cease their actions. Once a Floor Douche realizes that surrounding audience members have recognized them as such, they will often exhibit signs of mental unease. If properly taken advantage of, audience members can then force a Floor Douche to either back up or remain quiet.

If you attend a concert and become aware of a person or persons showing these signs, please notify as many friends as possible to the existence of a nearby Floor Douche and advise them to take every precaution and Anti Floor Douche action necessary.

Remember, only YOU can prevent Forest Fires! Or in this case, Floor Douches being total assholes and fucking up your concert going experience. Plus, elbowing someone repeatedly who deserves it is not only a right, but enjoyable.