Rapture Wrapped

so according to some crazy dude, this saturday 200 million people will vanish leaving the rest of us in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. cause you know, there’s apparently five months of zombies to worry about and then everything just goes kaput in October. that’s got to disappoint everyone who thought that everything would just end for reals on saturday. I mean, five months to sit around and wait for it? what do the 200 millions raptured people do for five months? i mean really, the end of the world is being wrought by an omnipotent god who can do anything instantly, and he goes time zone by time zone and takes months to finish everything? poor time management i’d say.



so because the rest of us are going to suffer through five months of zombie apocalypse, you of course need a zombie plan.

as you can see, the most intelligent of the lot in the video is Simmons. Why? Because he admits to being well prepared but refuses to provide details. SMART. in preparing for a zombie apocalypse possibility (ZAP) there are several things you should and should not do.

Shoulds include:

Have access to guns and ammo. you don’t need to kit yourself out Matrix style like you’re going to raid a building. think efficiency. similar caliber weapons so you can reduce the number you have to carry while being able to maximize your ammunition stores.

Know how to use said guns and ammo. seriously, some panicked asshole who gets their hands on a .44 mag and suddenly decides to go blow off some zombie heads is only going to cause problems. if you must default to something, default to a shotgun. however, you have to consider that in all likelihood, the zombie virus is easily spread through zombie blood splatter. be aware of your targets and what’s around them. no sense in blowing their head off if you’re just going to end up spraying your friend with zombie flu and then having to suffer through cheesy zombie movie moments about having to blow their head off now too. preferably, try for longer range kill shots, or bladed weapons that reduce zombie blood splash if you’re forced to engage in close combat. that being said, if you’re own your own, just make sure you don’t get any on yourself. if you stick with the guns.

know where to get transportation and fuel. there are plenty of vehicles around. make sure you go for a 4×4. fill it up, put in some jerry cans full of gas and badabing, you’ve got transportation, weapons and a shelter that moves. good news for everyone, fuel doesn’t start to go bad until about 6 months down the line, so you don’t have to worry about fuel stabilizer.

stay away from towns. this should be a no brainer, really. towns always have zombies, and always have mean people who want your stuff and try to kill you for it. if you HAVE to go into a town, hide your 4×4, it’s contents and go in at night as quickly as you can. only bring back what you need and what you can carry. get a fair sized pack, you’ll be able to carry food, ammo, whatever else, and leave your hands free for the double tap.

make sure you have canned food. it’s easily transported and less likely to have been contaminated by zombie blood spray. those apples you found in your night creep into town in the farmers market? yeah, they’re tasty aren’t they? didn’t think you’d walk up in the morning with a serious craving for brains did you?

know where power stations are and what kind they are. if you’re around a power station that’s not a renewable or biomass source, get the fuck away from it. not like anyone’s going to be around to look after them and make sure they don’t blow up. this is especially important if you live in an area where there are nuclear plants. so basically, Ontario, Quebec and New Brunswick are fucked here.

if you find a place to hide, keep your fires to a minimum. large fires will be visible to others, who will then want to come stay with you and eat your food and use your ammo and probably bone you and then kill you. come on, don’t you read those stories? that always happens.

make sure you have a first aid kit. duh. no brainer.

Right, those are the basic things you SHOULD do.

Should Nots:

Don’t broadcast yourself. zombies have ears, and they always hear you if you shout or play loud music. also, radios, fuck ’em. if you start chirping away, people will hear. they will talk back, they will find you. they will take your shit, eat your food and use you as zombie bait.

don’t make up an elaborate ZAP plan and then broadcast the details to everyone on facebook.

if you have a base of operations you know you’ll be secure in (ie, farm, bank) don’t tell people where it is or how to get there. they will arrive in large numbers. zombies always find large numbers. you will run out of food and ammo faster if you have large numbers. people will get pissed off in large numbers and it will turn into a cluster fuck and there will be infighting and your shit will get stolen, you will get boned, and then you will either be exiled or shot. hey, I don’t make the rules, I just take them from what the movies tell me.

don’t tell people what your elaborate defense plan is for your base. people can plan around that, disable it, and repeat the above.

don’t tell people your base of operations has self sustaining power like wind power or you’re tapped into a methane bed. people in ZAP situations get very pissed off that they do not have power and you do. they will ask you to share it. you should not.

don’t plan on starting a huge farm with cattle and food so you can survive. come on, this ZAP is only lasting until October, how much growing are you going to get done? also, it takes lots of time, effort and energy to do that. better to spend that on defenses and keep your food preparations small and manageable.

don’t assume you’ll be safe in the mountains. crazy people live in the mountains. also, tons of people will assume that the mountains are safe. thus, tons of people will try to hide in the mountains. this can only end badly.

don’t take three shots when one will do. Head shots. Double Tap if necessary, but head shots. shots to the body mass of a zombie are a waste of ammo. if you can’t aim, you shouldn’t be trying to blow them to pieces.

don’t light zombies on fire. it smells bad, and fire spreads easily. you can set a lot of everything on fire form one zombie. then what? you burned down the grocery store that had canned food in it. smooth move, now you’re starving.

don’t assume that everyone you meet running from zombies wants to form a band of survivors or wants to come with you to find That Place Where it’s Safe. Most people might, some people won’t. your best bet is to be a completely paranoid hermit type, and get away from them.

tents do not offer adequate protection from zombie hoardes. this is why you sleep in your 4×4.

don’t assume that all zombies are slow moving, braiiiiins type. you’ll do this and then discover that, oh shit, you’ve got Rage Zombies chasing you. and you’re unprepared for that. now you’re fucked. It’s safer to assume that you’ll encounter the full gamut of zombie types, thus you can have a better idea of how to arm yourself and where to go.

That should about do it.

I’ve got my plan ready. It’s comprehensive. It takes into account everything I’ve said here. remember, only YOU can prevent being eaten to death in a Zombie Apocalypse Possibility.

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