etched on the air

i had to go talk to my methods prof today, who also happens to be my professor mentor, cause they have different profs as mentors for different people and stuff, anyway…
i told him theres still part of my head that tries to tell itself it’s past the halfway mark off the semester so it’s all downhill from here, but then i mentioned how that’s probably not going to happen at all. and he said yeah but at least you know what to expect next semester now.
and then after i left his office all i really wanted to do was go sit in a corner and shut my eyes and hope that maybe, just maybe, the world can take a two second breather and let me catch my breath. but instead i went to the lab and did two more hours of work, and then came home to do more.
even yesterday’s downtime after the exam seems intrinsically worthless now. because the whole time i knew that starting again today there were no stops. it’s like marching up some path that you know you need to go down and all the while watching the wave roll in on you but you know the only way to get to where you’re going is to try to keep your head up and keep going.
i know that by the end of the semester im going to be a complete fucking wreck. the erratic sleeping patterns have already started again, that never ending sense of fatigue that accompanies them.
and on the face of it, everyone looks like they’re fine with the work and the writing and the reading, and i know that’s not true, but then it starts to make you wonder, what if they are and im the only one who’s not? but you still know it’s not true, but once you’ve planted that seed of doubt, it never goes away.
every minute you spend doing something like groceries or laundry is a minute you think ‘i could be getting some more writing or research done right now’ and it’s almost like guilt. almost but not quite.
sometimes i catch myself thinking ‘what the fuck am i doing? i never sleep, im always tired, always hungry, there’s never any pauses’ and then i tell my brain ‘shut up, you get me through this and it’ll be worth it. nothing easy is ever worth as much as something you work your ass off towards.”
so i’ll come home, i’ll sit at my desk, rub my eyes, feel that crushing weight of everything at once, and in the morning, i’ll get up and do it all over again, because what’s the point in coming this far if you’re not going to see it through to the end?

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