“Human beings can always be relied upon to assert, with vigour, their god given right to be stupid.”

“Crayons taste like purple.”

“We don’t make mistakes, we have happy little accidents.”

“pervy old men make the best music videos.”

“Even assholes die.”

“I’m very fond of pornography, as a social scientist that is.”

“Excel is where fun goes to die.”

“If people knew the true price of spirituality there’d be more Atheists.”

“well pat, I have to run, I need to write a letter so that my cousin can become an alien in the united states.”

“We’re running on DST; Doug Standard Time.”

“Look at Jesus, he had a hell of a payoff matrix!”

“I think if I were a homeless person, I’d kill a rabbit.”

“This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!”

“Just because I’m wet does not make me sexy.”

“If you measured it at birth, life expectancy would be short. Because kids die.”

“Kick off your clothes, it’s time to get tipsy and dance naked under dime store strobe lights.”

“There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

“When’s pancake day? Or Jesus day?”

“Did you just “yes” the bum tickling?”

“Perhaps I’m old and tired,” he continued, “but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied.”

“Prayer. How to do absolutely nothing and believe you’re doing something. ”

“I used toilet paper recently and it helped!”

“When I get home I’m going to eat some olives, lube up my tits and melt some cheese on my crotch.”

“Women just don’t understand collecting comics. But then they go and collect spoons, which is just as useless.”

“Hey, I’m in shape. Round is a shape!”

“Government doesn’t work” is what conservatives say. Elect them, and they set out to prove it.

“I’m wouldn’t care if I got it.”
“You wouldn’t care if you got ebola?”

“Hello, how’s my cripple?”

“That’s MISTER Jesus Christ to you!”

“Male bovine dietary waste product!”

“That’s all it is, is titty bars and doughnuts!”

“Vancouver douches are much more manageable than Red Deer douches.”

“Ok, you’re in the right place. Now you just have to sit on me.”

“Are you guys named after that pornstar?”

“You used to be legendary. Then, like the Berlin Wall, you fell down.”

“You can’t motorboat a personality.”

“I’d fuck it up the exhaust pipe if I could.”

“I could never fuck a carpet cleaner, I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously.”

“I don’t know where the pants came from!”

“the conversation always turns to sex or poop.”

“If being awesome is wrong, then I’ll just stop being right.”

“I hear a brown guy but all I see is a scrawny white guy.”

“I’m not sure what the difference is between short answer and long answer.”

“Peanuts are good for you; they scrape out your colon.”

“Don’t fuck with me, my bum hurts.”

“I’ll bet I was more proud than homos in a pride parade”

“I don’t know French and English.”

“I think you’re wrong, or about to be wrong.”

“Don’t lick the children!”

“She might be retarded, but she’s cute.”

“Dude, your company has better cabs than this. You’re getting ripped off.”

“They were having sex in the stall next to me, I’m scarred for life.”

“That’s how they watched porn in the old days, they watched it live.”

“I’ve never handled so much meat in my life.”

“no, it tastes like 23 different flavours of diarrhea”

“I don’t like it hard anyway.”

“What are you doing in my drawers?”

“Back in the day I went to a Beach Boys concert in Regina.”

“So as I was sitting there taking a dump, I remembered the kind of sandwich I’d had.”

“You look like a French porn star.”

“Your ear looks like an anus?”

“Why would you not need your clothes on?”

“That sounds like Gestapo Buttfuckers.”

“I’m tired of sitting on wood.”

“Is your sister a milf?”

“He washed my truck? You should give him a blowjob.”

“She sounds like she has fake boobs, doesn’t she?”

“Sometimes coke is just so amazing.”

“Blonde people should only marry blonde people so they don’t die out.”

“You little spear just about poked me in the eye.”

“The little kids that are always after your nuts?”

“If the panty causes mayhem?”

“You like them squishy? I like them hard.”

“If anything, I’m high.”

“It takes longer to get off.”

“That sweater makes you look like a gothic Waldo.”

“Those balls stink.”

“You gotta put your mouth around it and blow.”

“If I were a bum, I’d be living in those pipes.”

“That’s all I need is rug burns on my knees and vasoline everywhere.”

“Everything makes me poop lately.”

“It’s not rape; it’s surprise sex.”

“I hate when you wake up all wet.”

“No better way to break in your feet than to break your feet.”

“Do you know how many foreskins I’ve pulled back to clean the shmegma?”

“My phone is set to outer space time.”

“Chuck Norris invented ddeath just so he could kill.”

“It pushes out when you sneeze?”

“That’s not the same, cause doodoo means poo.”

“My uterus sure is smart!”

“How do you forget how to give a hickie?”

“You guys got tthe goat like an Afghani farmer!”

“I’ve never been pepper sprayed nor do I have testicles.”

“People have problems with their balls.”

“Just pull it off and blow.”

“Sorry, I actually want to do you on your knees.”

“I think it’s bent, but that hasn’t affected its performance.”

“It’s a magic bullet, not a magic dildo.”

“I’m pro spanking.”

“Whenever I see a big package I get excited.”

“Try to get it in the box next time.”

“I say things. I’m a dirty girl.”

“I’m just going to suck it out.”

“That is one shitty vagina.”

“She has a long neck. That comes in handy.”

“Well that’s not what my vomit tastes like.”

“You’re far too fat to procreate.”