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I keep telling myself that Jesusmas is far away and then I look at the calendar and go, “shit… it’s not that far… I’d better make an effort to figure out gifts…”

I think that the older you get, and the more realistic you are about the chances you have about what kind of results you’ll see off a list, the smaller it gets, but the more you feel you should do up a totally unbelievable list that you know would never ever happen at all.

For example, my actual list consists of a SOG Tomahawk, a bottle of scotch, a drill set or gift cards to Cabelas or Home Depot. That’s it. I’d consider it an overwhelming success if two of these came to fruition. In any order.

So, small, realistic, totally doable. Not an expectation of excess that kids get away with.

BUT! We all know that all males are never really grown up on the inside, because if they were, then fart jokes wouldn’t be funny anymore. And that’s just wrong. Fart jokes will ALWAYS be funny.

so will this. and if you don’t think so, then I don’t know who you are anymore.

and now, I give you the Utterly Improbable Jesus Birthday Gift List of Awesomely Unattainable Things:

Cherry Gibson ES-335

Bestop Supertop

Leupold VX-R 2-7X33mm with Ballistic Firedot

or a Burris Eliminator

15″ MacBook Pro with Retina display

or a 27″ iMac

every release of Bruichladdich Octomore

Nikon D4

or a Sigma SD-1

All the seasons of Top Gear on DVD

All of the Lotus F1 teamware

Expense paid trip to Camp4

Caterham 7 R-Type Hayabusa

This Aston Martin. Because it is the best Aston Martin. Because it is an actual Carbon Black Edition. I don’t think you quite realize the magnitude of what I have just told you. There is an actual DBS Carbon Black in Calgary. Just sitting there. Waiting. Carbon. Black. DBS. So much yes.

A new I Mother Earth album with Edwin singing.

That should do it. I mean, I’d nix the whole list for either of the Caterham or Aston, sooooo, yeah, you should all collaborate and get on that, mkay?