someone has dog turd shoes

 

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someone does. or did. there’s turd stains from the door to the carpet. no one likes to admit they had dog turd feet. having never grown up with a dog, I was never privy to the realization that dog poops in yard, you walk in yard, you will at some point have poop on your shoe. so while no one likes to admit they had turd foot, thinking back on last night’s backyard fire, scotch and vodka, I may have indeed been the culprit. sue me, it was dark out and Aimée said she’d picked up any errant piles. ok ok, so maybe I could have taken off my sandals when I came in and avoided the Mr. Hankey trail, but when the call for scotch comes, that’s just an extra detail of coming inside that’s often forgotten.

I have a camo hat. it says Remington on the front. this is my Redneck Hat. it says “I potentially vote a certain way and damned if you argue against me!” which is funny because if you naturally assume that the choice of camo hat reflects voting intentions, you are sadly mistaken and probably lead a sad, judgemental life and don’t enjoy gummy worms. bastard. who doesn’t like gummy worms? actually, I know a few people who don’t. I just shake my head at them. my Redneck Hat also says “I enjoy this product” made all the more clear when I hoist my Remington made 870 Express Super Mag. you know how people snicker at assholes in lifted trucks and ferraris and say “ha ha compensating”? well, lots of people say that about guns. again, these people are wrong. you have to have a 10 gauge for that to be true. because no one really needs a 10 gauge and if you do, you probably own a truck that’s lifted four feet, wear Ed Hardy and have white Oakleys. oh, and drink Bud Light Lime. the true mark of any clueless asshole.

I only wear my Redneck Hat at certain times. Namely, when my dad and I venture east to talk to farmers and play Duck Hunt FPS, only mainly with geese. I also wear it when we go plinking. because why not.

this time I brought something new to shoot cans with, as you can plainly see above. it doesn’t so much make a *plink* noise when it hits anything as it does a large cloud of dirt exploding from behind the target. also from in front of the muzzle from the blast. also, when you’re primarily used to .22s and suddenly move up to a .338 Winchester Magnum that your dad looks at you and shakes his about, you’ll find there’s a noticeable difference between the two. mainly, recoil. lots of recoil. lots and lots of recoil. you know how in movies when there are gun fights and everyone just holds on to their gun no problem and blasts away and their arm doesn’t move and they always hit what they aim at mostly and people who watch that say “pff I could do that”? no. no you can’t. you will pull the trigger and then I will laugh. provided it’s not my gun I’ll laugh more. if it were mine, I might laugh, but if you dropped it I’d probably be a little pissed off.

anyway. recoil. it’s a bitch.

kayaks!

segue!

I looked at a bunch online. I hummed and haa’d. I think I know what type I want to look at, and length. then i remembered that you have to buy paddles too, and other stuff. that’s what next summer is for. I want a yellow one. I could probably live with a red or orange one, but I want a yellow one. it’s kind of the most appropriate colour for one I think. much like how Speedway Blue is the most appropriate colour for a Tacoma with the TRD package. and how deep charcoal grey is the most appropriate for a Hugo suit.

did you know you can get chickens that lay blue eggs? I found that out recently. fuck the easter bunny, get a bunch of easter chickens and you don’t need to dip or paint eggs ever again! imagine how awesome it would be if you could engineer a chicken to lay Kinder Surprise. holy fuck, I’d be all over that. but I’m sort of on the fence about engineering those rabbits to lay those cream eggs. that just seems creepy and like something would go terrifyingly wrong and some slasher, zombie killer candy laying rabbit horror movie would result.

no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition, but even less so do they expect those zombie candy rabbits…. time to adjust my zombie plan…

2 Thoughts.

  1. “much like how Speedway Blue is the most appropriate colour for a Tacoma with the TRD package. and how deep charcoal grey is the most appropriate for a Hugo suit.” Lol.

    Totally right about cream egg laying rabbits. One way ticket to the mother fucking zombie apocalypse.

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