break me off a piece o’ dat kit kat barrrrrr

you want to know what cruel irony is? here’s cruel irony. how is it that on the day at work where i start working on the next kind of work that all the chicks at work happen to walk by and stick their heads in that it’s the same day where i get there and im like ‘ooooooo innards why are you so bloated…ooooooo man gotta take a shit…gotta taaaaaaaaake a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit….’ and then for some reason you start thinkin that but you start hearing it in Samuel L Jackson’s voice like “shit! gotta take a muthah fuckin SHI-IITT!!” and you’re like, ‘no sammy j! shut up! i cant leave the room in the middle of training!’ so you dont and you sit there hoping that your intestines dont make a very audible noise and everyone knows it’s you but no one says anything but you know that they’re silently judging you. so then it gets to the point where you’re like “ok…ok…ok…im the only one in the room…the gas pressure has built up tooooooo far….gotta let one rip to lower the danger threshold…” so riiiiiight as you’re like “THROW THE SWITCH!! LOOSE THE VALVE BOYO!!” another of the office girls sticks her head in to say hi and see how things are going and you smile and you’re like “oh fine” but in your head it’s all “FUCK!!! IS THERE NO REPRISE FROM BOOBS IN THIS PLACE? CANT A GUY JUST FUCKING FART IN PEACE SO HE DOESNT FUCKING EXPLODE???”
apparently not.
so you get home and you can hear Cartman in your head in that one episode where the big satellite dish comes out his ass and he’s like “oh man…you know the feeling after you take a huge dump?”
seriously, are the engineers of reality THAT bored that they have to resort to making a constant stream of office girls walk by a guy who really just wants to be a guy for just a moment? ok, well…yeah probably, i mean…ok, if i were some god of the universe i’d probably do the same thing because let’s face it it would be pretty funny. because we all love the discomfort of others.

is it just me, or does Trevor Linden always look like he’s on the verge of tears?
also, don’t you think Mats Sundin looks like a cancer patient? i do.
also, Todd Harvey looks like a pedophile if he makes the playoffs and grows the pedo-stache.
also, apparently i look like Brendan Morrison according to Italians.

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