lobster bisque

so you know what a pet peeve of mine is? when rappers go “let’s rock!”

ok. no. see, “Rock” as a genre, does not suck. “Rap” as a genre, does suck. so, when a rapper decides to rock and roll, he’s become confused because he wishes he didn’t suck so bad.
so, Rappers, please, make up your own word that accurately describes you as a performer who doesnt actually sing on half of your album and instead leaves it up to a group of guest vocalists while you nod your head. You aren’t a rock star. and i’ll argue semantics here as much as i fucking want. you aren’t a rock star, you’re a rapper. i tell this to people sometimes and sometimes people say “i bet you couldnt write a rap song so you shouldnt judge.” yes, yes i could. and here’s why.
i turn on FL Studio, i grab a loop, i add a few new sounds, throw the file to Audition and make up some bullshit lyrics and you’d never know that it wasn’t made on a 50000$ pro tools rig. now, you take your rapper buddy and you plunk him down in a room full of instruments and tell him to write the new Stairway to Heaven. no loops. no iambic pentameter.
and you know what else? why in the hell is it a ‘pet’ peeve? you arent supposed to find your pet annoying, so why are they suddenly a peeve to you? or, conversely, why isnt a Peeve some kind of animal so when someone asks what your pet peeve is you can take the picture out of your wallet and show them and go “His name is Charlie.”
so here’s something i’ve been wondering about…you go to a public washroom somewhere and there’s always the handicap stall. and everytime you ever go in to the bathroom in a public establishment in your entire life you’ve never seen a disabled person in the washroom using that particular stall. and then on those odd occasions where you really have to take a crap and you run in there and all the other stalls are taken so you make a mad dash for the handicap stall and in the back of your head there’s always that little twinge of guilt because let’s face it, you have no trouble at all taking a shit. what if. the next time that happens and all the stalls are full and you run for the disabled one, and you start to fucking unload in the toilet, a dude in a wheel chair rolls in. what then? you cant rightly stop shitting mid way and you know he wont fit in any of the other stalls. what if he’s had some bad fish and you can hear his gut churning and you know exactly what that sound means. it’s the “pull down your fucking pants right now and sit down as fast as you can” sound. and he can’t cause you’re sitting there guilty as fuck in his stall. what if he tries the door to the stall and then calls you out and says its the disable stall and he needs to get in there right away? what then? what the FUCK THEN? and you have to stumble out an excuse about how it was the only one left and you’re cringing because you’re thinking oh fuck im gonna make a dude in a wheel chair shit himself.
so yeah. i was wondering about that.

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