today is Episode 4 of Stupid Things I Hear At Work!

“you do look like a huterrite!” “hey, where’s youre babushka?”

“at least it’s not like why doesnt a chicken taste like a chicken…or no…a chicken taste like everything…no wait…a chicken that’s not a chicken!”

“why do jewish people frighten you?” “because they’re good at saving money.”

“you’ve got rage issues.”

“small girls like tall guys and guys like little girls!”

“so he’s a badass like you?” “yeah he’s been to jail a few times.”

“he came here illegally.”

“i bet he’s going to buy an M-16.”

“are there tarantulas in el salvador?”

“i’d hate to be a short guy.” “ya but you’re a tall girl.” “yeah.” “so you’re a freak.”

“there might be mouse poop.”

“brain food?” “yeah it’ll work this time.”

“i bought a bag of M&Ms and they were all missing their arms and legs so they were dead.”

“you should bake me muffins.” “why?” “because you’re a girl.” “WHAT?” “some guys like domesticated women you know.”

“i think swallowing the toe would be good grounds for you having to donate your own toe.”

“you cant listen to rock music to pump yourself up!”

“all your guy friends listen to The Bounce.” “yeah so?” “all your guy friends are gay.”

“im smelling my upper lip.”

“you cant be religious and not practice!” “why not?” “well jewish people cant…”

“they were going to put up that statue for draft dogers but they didnt.” “yeah they probly smoked up and said ‘we’ll do it later’.”

“what else do you need?” “L-S-D.”

“your job is to spread puddles around so they dry up faster.”

“so this fuckin guy he goes and fuckin, you know, talks to the women and you know, fuckin, they like, hook up, have a few kids and fuckin one day just leave and fuck off with another woman.” “jesus what an asshole!” “yeah, that happens a lot down there.”

“what’d he do? crimes against painting?”

“what do you call it when you have flashbacks from acid you took twenty years ago?” “acid flashback.” “yeah that.” “he hasnt been alive long enough for that.”

“whats wasabi?” “it’s chinese horseradish.”

“ok so if anybody asks there was a rabbit.” “ok.” “and you hit the brakes so you wouldnt hit it.” “ok. and it squeaked.” “what did?” “the rabbit.”

“he likes CKUA now.” “so? it’s good!” “next thing you know he’ll be shaving his head.”

—–

so i decided that i want to try stand up comedy. i think i could pull it off. basically i spent most of the day thinking about stand up comedy and playing craps. i did not think about stand up comedian playing craps.

i think it was good that my dad took me and i played for a bit and didnt really get into the flow right at first, cause when i was thinking about it this morning i was like ‘oh ok, so this means this…and this would do this…and this play would make this bet…” so next time we go i’m gonna not totally hang back and not do much of anything.

and then it started to rain and my train of thought was pretty much destroyed by thoughts of “golf cart golf cart golf cart! spin spin spin!!!”

lazy purple hectic blobs of mounds of battered feather fur flickers and flounders in the mud with bubbles like burps.

oh yeah, on the topic of bubbles. i went to buy lunch today cause we’re looking after our neighbours dog and this morning right before i left for work i came back down here for a sec and by the time i got back up there she’d eaten my lunch. so i went to buy lunch at Sobey’s. and i get in line. and this old lady in front of me is buying a pack of Bubble-icious with a fucking debit card. annoying. yeah.

i crave perogies. and bubble gum. fuck.

i have a final exam worth 60% in a little over a week and i have done pretty much no reading for it. i want my friggin second essay back cause i think it was a good essay and i want my fucking grade before the exam so i know if i should start to shit bricks and panic. fuck that would hurt hey? unless they were those rounded types i guess…or what if you fell down and they broke and you shat out like lots of little sharp peices? makes you kind of wonder how Ben Grimm takes a crap…i mean, he’s a big orange rock dude. technically he’d have a perpetual hard on too. so does he pee sand or something? i bet he wouldnt have any problems shitting bricks. and that blind chick he hooks up with? she’d have to be the biggest S&M blind person in the fucking world, cause she’s pretty much fucking a boulder. that’s probly not that much different than getting your ass fucked up by a cliff.

i found a penny. i should stop. ok. um. stoppeded.

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