the pieces are only as good as the whole

i have one song on repeat right now. its wavy and mellow and i usually listen to it when i need to calm myself down. in fact it’s on the sidebar.
ive been getting aggravated much easier lately and im not sure why. if there had been certain people around tonight to yell at i’d probly have lost my voice.
i can sort of feel the angry slowly leeching out now. not fast enough maybe. but it’s going.
it’s a strange headspin when this happens. after, i feel like i just woke up out of some fucked up dream but at the same time i just sit and reflect on the last few minutes.
pretty much all the strings on my guitar are now out of tune and my hand is slightly scratched up but thats ok. i couldnt ever justify smashing it into the wall so i just play the shit out of it when i need to let something out.
this is a good song to put on repeat. it’s almost hypnotic, brings you back down in stages, not all at once.
maybe i’ll go for a walk.
you know that they sell beer at the food court in IKEA? i got a meal with a Stella for like 10$ total today. craziness.
i guess i said some intelligent sounding things about sociology in the last few days, people have been asking me about it. im not even a soc major. i might be able to fluke out a minor. but the good thing about being a communication major is that it’s sort of a cross over, plsu my soc class this semester is about information technology, so it overlaps nicely.
i was talking to nancy about this, how i differentiate between a blog and something like myspace. myspace offers a character template. with a character template you can easily create a false identity. blogger offers no such template. there arent mulitple little segments on a blog that act as blocks of personality and reasoning. theres just a page where you put what you think. it may ery well be an excerise in narcissism, but in this case i find that to be much more desireable than a fake character. at least if youre being narcissistic it’s still just a better example of an extension of a parallel real life identity. this blog is where i put myself on a screen. this blog is me online. why whouldn’t it hold some sense of narcissicm? people who get mad about people making comments about others or just talking about their daily lives have no real justification to do so. if you were talking to someone face to face and they told you “today i took my dog for a walk and i bought a new shirt” would you immediately trounce on them and declare that they are a shallow and uncaring person? i’m going to say unless you’re seriously fucked up then no. but therein lies the obvious weakness of a blog. it’s open to attack at any point much easier than a real life commentary. last year i posted on my other blog about my feelings on the abuse of finances by some of the asian clubs on campus, making it quite clear that the post was intended to critique the financial activity of the clubs and not the people in them. online i had 23 accusations of being racist. in real life i had none. the curtain of a screen offers cowards a voice that they would otherwise not have. i took that post down after i felt it was too much of a hassle putting up with it. even if the comments were words on a screen, they were my words, therefore attacking my own ease of mind.
would i have taken it down this year? maybe not.
a year ago i would never have believed anyone could get this attached to an ephemeral concept, a page of thoughts on a screen waiting for anyone who stumbles across them to read. i posted a list of books in susan’s comments. the Turkle one has a chapter dealing with MUDs in the mid 1990s. people created false identities in MUDs but still lived a gret deal of their lives through them, albeit under an unrealistic pretence. im pretty sure you could pick any of the links on the sidebar and read a blog and you’d get a genuine personality from a genuine person. genuine in my mind equates to real. these are real people who blog, not some strange liminal group of society who attached themselves to a fad.
that place in my mind, that space that you call mine.
is always found here.
hello world, this is pat. i am sitting in my chair. i am writing on this screen. if both occur at the same time, one in a physical world and one in an electronic, then it only makes sense that they are extensions of each other.
hello world, this is my blog. this is where what i am thinking is made visible, this is where how i feel is shown to everyone, this is where i come to say what i want when there is no one around to say it to.
hello world, this is where you can meet me if you dont happen to run into me on the street.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you write off your anger.

current mood: it’s in the sidebar.

2 Thoughts.

  1. I get irritated whenever I say I’m on blogger and people immediately perk up. “Oh, is that like myspace? I love myspace.” Having had no real experience with myspace, I can only judge it by the people in the real world that are “on” it, and I’ve so far not been all that impressed.

    Great rant. Love your blog.

  2. I’ve had a MySpace for a while, so I could access bits of others’ MS sites. I recently developed it and will sometimes make a blog post there (snipped from MtmtB, mostly.)

    All your pictures make me want to go on a walkabout with my camera, even though I suck at photography.

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